by Zachary Zane
Ah, the dildo—the most classic of sex toys. Regardless of gender or sexual orientation, anyone can enjoy a dildo alone or with their partners.
Dildos are phallic-shaped toys designed for anal, vaginal, and oral penetration. With modern technology, there are now dildos that vibrate and even self-thrusting dildos that go a few inches deep. Dildos come in all shapes and sizes. Some try to look exactly like a real penis, complete with human skin tones and veins, whereas others are more abstract. (There are rainbow dildos, “tentacle” dildos, monster dildos, and so much more!)
The beauty of the dildo is that it’s so versatile. There are so many ways you can use it by yourself and with your partners. Even if you’re having incredible sex with your partners, your sexual experiences can get even better using a dildo, explains Tawny Lara, Sober Sexpert and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. “One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say, ‘I don't need a sex toy,’ as if it's a way to brag that their sex life is beyond,” Lara says. “Sex toys are just that—toys designed for fun! And what's more fun than a dildo?!”
So, if you’re interested in having more pleasure, more orgasms, and more fun in the bedroom, you should seriously consider using a dildo. And don’t worry; below, we break down the many ways you can get creative with the sex toy, tips for beginners, ideas for solo play and partner play, and questions you may have about using a dildo.
If you’ve never used a dildo before, it may be helpful to first use one by yourself. Once you familiarize yourself with the sensation and learn what feels pleasurable for you, you can then use one with your partner (and communicate to them what feels good to you).
Vaginal penetration with dildos
“While our society is obsessed with premature ejaculation, beware its evil twin: premature penetration!” explains renowned "sex hacker" Kenneth Play, author ofBeyond Satisfied. Make sure you are fully aroused before exploring internal sensation. “Use your fingers to get the party started so that you have a direct feedback loop with your own body,” he says. “Once you find a really pleasurable spot, continue to provide consistent rhythmic stimulation.”
You will want to be aroused and wet before inserting a dildo. And if you notice you’re not reaching WAP status, you should apply lube. (More on lube later, but just a heads-up, you can’t use silicone-based lube with silicone dildos. They erode and break down the toy. You need to use water-based or hybrid lubes. However, you can use silicone lube with glass or steel dildos.) Apply the lube directly onto your vagina and the toy. If you feel friction, stop and apply more lube. Remember, there really is no such thing as too much lube.
When inserting the dildo, go slowly! “Sticking a dildo in before you're ready can be painful, and no one needs that in their life,” explains sex educator Gigi Engle, ACS, author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life.
If you feel relaxed, and think you can insert more, do so cautiously. A common misconception is that an in-and-out motion is what creates sensation. “But this can feel really jabby,” Play says. “What really does the trick is pressure; think of it as a deep tissue massage…on the inside.”
When penetrating your vagina with a dildo, you can stimulate the G-spot, explainsDr. Lee Phillips, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples’ therapist. The G-spot is part of the clitoris system. “It is the pea-sized nub where the inner labia meet and divide into two roots that can be about four inches long,” he says. “When stimulating the G-spot, you stimulate the [internal] clitoris.” A shorter-length dildo, like AMOR, nudges the G-spot well. Phillips notes you can also stimulate the A-spot, or the anterior fornix. The A-spot is along the vaginal wall, usually about four to six inches back, Phillips explains. It is located deep inside the vagina between the cervix and the bladder. “A long thin dildo is great for stimulating the A-spot, then.” For example, dildos like MAGNUM would be great.
That said, there are some “dual dildos” that stimulate both internally and externally, though most do not. Most stimulate the G-spot (and not the external clitoris). So you actually can, with one hand, insert the dildo, and with the other, stimulate your clitoris. Yes, you may bend a little like a pretzel, which can be uncomfortable, but this is where novelty dildos, like suction dildos, come in handy. (Don’t worry, we’ll talk about more of them momentarily.)
Anal penetration with dildos
Before using a dildo in the anus, I recommend you explore your anus by touching it and using your hands and fingers. However, please make sure to cut your nails and file them down. You don’t want to accidentally scratch the inside of your anus. Needless to say, that is extremely painful.
Unlike the vagina, the anus is not self-lubricating, meaning you must use lube. It is not an option! And a reminder, spit is not the same as lube. You need something thicker that lasts longer.
If you’ve never put any toy (or penis) in your anus, it’s probably better to start with a small butt plug than a dildo. “Butt plugs are amazing for anal play and prep,” Phillips says. “Butt plugs come in silicone, glass, and metal. Since they come in different sizes, they can also be used to get your anus ready for various dildo sizes. I recommend glass butt plugs because they are slick, comfortable, and allow sexual stimulation through heat and cold. If you are not going to use butt plugs, then I would recommend starting with a smaller dildo.”
Showering and cleaning the anus and rectum are great so an accident does not occur. “Some people prefer a good scrub, and others prefer to douche,” Phillip says. “Using a douche can help clean out your rectum before using a dildo. Douching involves cleaning internally with water through a nozzle or tube inserted in the anus.”
Just like with vaginal insertion, go SLOW and only insert a dildo once you are aroused. If you go too quickly or before you’re aroused, you can rip your anal tissue, which is extremely painful. If you have a penis, it’s often good to be erect and to stroke your penis while you have the dildo inside you. Oh, and of course, make sure the dildo you’re using has a flared base. (Any time a toy goes in the butt, it must have a flared base. Otherwise, it can get stuck up there, which leads to a very awkward and unpleasant visit to the emergency room.)
You might be wondering why you want to insert a dildo in your anus, especially if you’re a straight, cisgender man. It’s because cisgender men have a prostate, a walnut-sized gland located roughly two to three inches inside the anus. When it’s stimulated, it feels incredible. When you orgasm with prostate stimulation, you’ll notice that you ejaculate more. Additionally, it leads to a full-body orgasm as opposed to one localized to your genitals. It can also be really hot and kinky to have your partner stimulate your anus. (We’ll touch more on this when we get to pegging!)
Partner play with dildos
The beauty of using a dildo with a partner is that your hands are free! Your partner can insert the dildo into your vagina or anus, and you can stimulate your clitoris while they penetrate you, pinch your nipples, stroke yourself—anything.
Like when using a dildo solo, you want to go slow and steady with a partner and use a bunch of lube. Communicate with your partner. Check in. Ask them, “Does this feel good? Do you want harder, softer, or deeper? Is there anything else I can do?”
Oral penetration with dildos
In addition to vaginal and anal stimulation with a dildo, with a partner, it can be fun to engage in oral dildo play. In other words, you can have a little “blowjob fantasy” with a dildo, Phillips says. “Want to learn how to get creative with giving head? Learn to deep throat? Dildos are great for this.”
Start slowly teasing the head with your tongue and mouth. Then, work your way down the shaft. See how far you can go. “Your partner can hold it for you as you suck it, feeding it to you, which can be super erotic, especially if you are into verbal play as they do it (i.e., mentioning you are a great cocksucker or telling them how much you love sucking cock as they feed you),” Phillip says. This is fantastic for outercourse and foreplay and a way of trying something new and creative.
Double penetration using dildos
Curious about taking two penises at once? Using a dildo is a great way to practice or explore the fantasy. “You can insert the dildo manually in a cowgirl position, wrapping your arm around to your anus, penetrating it with your hand as you ride your partner,” Phillips says.
Pegging with dildos
Pegging is when a person, typically a vulva owner, wears a strap-on and penetrates a penis owner’s anus. “But this is not about gender,” Phillips says. “It is about sexuality, so two vulva owners can get it on with pegging.” And if you are a cisgender heterosexual man with the fantasy of having your partner penetrate you and hitting your prostate, this is for you!
“You can try this in several positions, like doggy style, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, and sideways,” he says. (Pro tip: Dildos with a curved bulbous tip are great for prostate stimulation.)
Types of Dildos
Strap-on dildos
If you’re going to peg your partner, you need a specific type of dildo: a strap-on dildo that works with a harness. Many harnesses come specifically with their own dildo, but then many dildos, like MAGNUM, are designed to work with (most) harnesses.
Regarding the fit of the harness, “It should sit securely on your hip, without sliding around. It should feel like an extension of your body,” Play says. And when you’re purchasing a strap-on dildo, remember to consider the person who you’re penetrating! You should ask them if they want a bigger or smaller one, or if they have any preference for material.
Double dildos
A double dildo, like SHARE LITE, is a relatively new type of dildo that’s a game-changer for people with a vulva. You insert one section of the dildo into your own vulva, and the other is essentially a regular dildo. This is ideal for pegging, since you can peg someone else while experiencing internal stimulation yourself. Most double dildos still require that you use a harness, but SHARE LITE is lightweight enough that you can use it without a harness!
Realistic dildos
Whereas some people like dildos that look like the fantastical limbs of alien space invaders, others prefer dildos that look like real penises. These dildos have veins and testicles and are flesh-colored. They’re also a more standard size (i.e., five to eight inches). THE BOSS is a realistic dildo from FUN FACTORY that comes in flesh colors. The insertable length is nearly seven inches, though, so THE BOSS is definitely for people who crave size.
Vibrating dildos
The future is here. The future is now! Some vibrating dildos come with batteries; others you charge by plugging them into an outlet. Of course, vibrating dildos allow for more stimulation, which can cause more pleasure. (Pro tip: You can always put a vibrating cock ring like NŌS on a dildo, turning it into a vibrating dildo!)
Thrusting dildos
Another pleasurable technological advancement that’s come out in the last few years is self-thrusting dildos, such as STRONIC G. STRONIC G is a G-spot dildo that thrusts and pulses hands-free! So you can lie on your back or stomach, not touch it, and feel like you’re getting, to put it bluntly, fucked.
Suction cup dildos
There are certain dildos that suction to any flat and hard surface (i.e., a wall, table, chair, etc.) This allows you to penetrate yourself. For example, you can stick a dildo to a wall and back your booty into it. Or you can suction it to a table and ride it. Suction dildos are a lot of fun for solo play, but you can use them for partnered play, too. For example, you can suck your partner’s penis while backing yourself onto the dildo or suck the dildo on the wall while getting penetrated from behind. It’s worth mentioning that all of FUN FACTORY’s dildos have suction bases.
Small dildos
Odds are, you have a sense of what you like when it comes to inserting a penis in you. Some people prefer big phalluses, whereas others prefer penises and toys on the smaller end. If you prefer smaller penises, you should probably get a smaller dildo, like AMOR, which only has an insertable length of 4.7 inches. Right now, there’s a limited-edition AMOR dildo on sale called BI AMOR, which comes in the colors of the bisexual flag: pink, royal blue, and purple. FUN FACTORY partnered with me, Zachary Zane, in honor of my new book Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. The toy is a version of the bestselling AMOR, which is adaptable to all different play preferences and bodies, and made from body-safe materials, as always. You can get BI AMOR all by itself or together with the book!
Huge dildos
Then there are the big boys, the huge dildos, the novelty dildos. These are only for pros (or for decoration around the apartment). If you’re interested in anal gaping or vaginal stretching, you could purchase a giant dildo. (Or if you’re just a size queen! Enjoy it!)
Conclusion
If you’re looking to enhance the level of pleasure you have in the bedroom for both yourself and your partner, you should really, really consider getting a dildo. The versatile sex toy is great regardless of your age, gender, or sexual orientation. Dildos come in all shapes and sizes. And at the end of the day, they’re just fun to use. And what’s wrong with having a little more fun in the bedroom?
FAQs
How to choose the right dildo?
Clearly, there are a lot of dildos you can choose from. It can be a little overwhelming if you’ve never purchased one before. First, make sure you buy products listed as body-safe, like all the toys at FUN FACTORY. Additionally, you want toys to have at least a one-year warranty (all the toys at FUN FACTORY have a two-year warranty). This lets you know that the product is high-quality and will not break the fourth time you use it.
As for the actual dildo itself? “Take your time perusing all of the dildo options out there,” Lara says. “Evaluate the sizes, shapes, colors, and textures that appeal to you. Then lean into your Goldilocks moment and pick the dildo that looks juuuuust right! If you plan on using this dildo with someone else, bring them along for the search.”
Should I use lube with my dildo?
It cannot be emphasized enough: Lube is your friend—your best friend. But not all lubes are created equal, and you can’t use every lube for every dildo. For example, you can’t use silicone-based lube with silicone dildos. They cause the toy to deteriorate. Instead, you need to use water-based or hybrid lubes (which are water- and silicone-based but don’t break down toys). However, you can use silicone-based lube with glass or steel dildos. Many people prefer silicone lube, especially for anal, since it doesn’t dry up as quickly, so you don’t need to reapply nearly as much as you might with a water-based lube. A little squirt goes a long way.
How do I clean my dildo?
“You can buy a fancy sex toy cleaner or just use plain old soap and hot water,” Lara says. You want to clean it after every use because if you don’t, you run the risk of bacteria building and increasing the likelihood of getting a urinary tract infection or other bacterial infection.
Are there any safety concerns when using a dildo?
There are a few potential safety concerns you need to be mindful of.
“Be sure you're using a toy made from medical-grade or body-safe silicone,” Engle says. “Always use a high-quality water-based lubricant to avoid tearing or pain. Lastly, always communicate with your partner and be sure they're enjoying the stimulation, or check in with yourself to be sure you're enjoying the stimulation.”
How long do dildos last?
Typically, this will depend on the materials the dildos are made of. “Rubber tends to degrade at a faster rate,” Phillips says. “Rubber dildos are also porous, so they contain small holes. These small holes can trap bacteria, making them difficult to clean. This can leave you with a yeast infection or perhaps bacterial vaginosis.” Luckily, dildos made of silicone (or glass) can last a lifetime if you treat them with care, Engle explains. “Always store them in a clean, dry place. Never use silicone-based lubricants on your silicone dildos, and you should be good to go,” she says.
How do I store my dildo?
You want to store each dildo separately in its own bag. (I’ve actually had two silicone toys meld together when placed in the same bag.) Make sure to store it in a dry, cool place.
Can I use a dildo while pregnant?
Generally, masturbation and sexual activity during pregnancy are healthy. “With your genitals being engorged, lubricated, and sensitive, you may have intense orgasms due to the increase in the hormones, estrogen, and progesterone,” Phillips says. However, “Sex toys such as dildos may not be recommended if you have a high-risk pregnancy such as the risk of preterm labor,” he clarified. If your doctor informs you to avoid certain sexual activities, make sure you ask for clarification on those sexual limitations.
How do I dispose of a dildo?
If, for whatever reason, you decide you’re done with your dildo, you can wash it one final time and throw it out in the trash. You don’t need to take any additional precautions.
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based columnist, author, and sex expert whose work focuses on sexuality, culture, and the LGBTQ community. He is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto.
He currently has two columns: “Sexplain It” at Men’s Health, and “Navigating Non-Monogamy” at Cosmo. He is also the founder and editor-in-chief of Boyslut Zine, which publishes real sex stories from kinksters worldwide. His work on sexuality and relationships has been published in The New York Times, Rolling Stone, The Washington Post, and many others.
This post was written by a guest blogger, and all opinions and ideas expressed are that of the author. All ideas included are for educational and entertainment value, and do not constitute medical advice.
